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oday I got a text message accusing me of “Toll Evasion” and warning me that I’ll face hefty late fees and be reported to the DMV if I don’t pay my bill within 12 hours. I’m guilty of many things, none of which I’m going to discuss today, but I swear to you that toll evasion isn’t one of them.

I deleted the text and reported it using the “report junk” function on my iPhone. In the past, that’s always given me the tiniest bit of satisfaction. But I’m enjoying it less and less because it seems to be as helpful as swatting flies in a barnyard.

Ever since armed bandits started robbing the Pony Express, bad guys have found ways to take over every new means of communication that comes along. And they’ve done it again. This modern method of thievery even has a name. Attempted robbery by text is called smishing, not to be confused with “vishing,” which is using phone calls for the same purpose and “phishing” which is done by email.

Then there’s “quishing,” which is when crooks use QR codes to redirect us to malicious websites. And finally, there’s “angler phishing,” which is when they send fraudulent emails to fishermen. Not really. I just wanted to make sure you were paying attention.

Angler phishing is actually attempted robbery on social media. Apparently the name is inspired by the particular way anglerfish lure their lunch. I wonder if they post photos of it on Facebook before they eat it.

I don’t know who came up with all of these terms, but I suspect it was someone who read too much Dr. Seuss as a child. I’m reminded of a certain storybook I read to my son more times than I care to remember: One phish, two vish, red quish, blue smish. 

Unless you enjoy rhymes you really only need to remember one word: thieves. The sad fact is someone somewhere is always after our money. And right now I’m acutely aware of the smishers. I haven’t kept track, but I’m pretty sure they’re outdoing the vishers though I think the phishers are still way ahead of them both.

Along with the toll road text, I regularly receive text messages telling me I have a refund coming or accusing me of failing to renew my cloud storage or offering to help me restore security to my infected phone or telling me that my account will be shut down if I don’t pay.

They never say which account and I never ask.

I often receive text messages addressed to someone named Twilla. Twilla is getting good news about a loan she’s applied for or Twilla has received some kind of grant or Twilla is having a birthday and should click on the link they’ve included to collect her gift. So far Twilla has not received the toll evasion text so apparently she’s more responsible about paying her tolls than I am.

I delete them without opening them and report them as junk. But they keep on coming. It’s all inspired me to write my own poem which I call “Squished by Smish.”

I’m so tired of the phishing,

And weary of the vishing.

Now they’ve started smishing.

For peace, it leaves me wishing.

So I’ve left my phone at home

And I’ve gone fishing.

Dorothy Rosby is the author of Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Be Ticked off About, Humorous Essays on the Hassles of Our Time and other books. Contact her at www.dorothyrosby.com/contact.